We spend a good chunk of time talking to our kiddos about kindness. We tell them not to bully, to include others, to notice when someone is sitting alone, and to think about how their words and actions make another person feel. Yet during those moments of guidance, we often miss an important part of that conversation: kindness must start with us and in the home.
As much as we want children to act with kindness, we adults need to model that very behavior. Sadly, mean adults exist. This fact definitely stinks, but it is a real thing. Adult bullying is real, as is adult exclusion. And while we may not always call certain behavior bullying when we see it among adults, that does not mean the behavior is harmless. Mean behavior can come in all shapes and forms.
Sometimes unkind behavior is obvious, and other times, it is quieter: someone stops being acknowledged, is intentionally ignored, is no longer invited to socials or birthday parties, or gets the side-eye and shade. While quiet, it still hurts. When a friendship changes, suddenly that person feels unwelcome and is faced with a type of grief. There may be no confrontation or cruel words spoken, but the message is crystal clear: you are no longer welcome, and that hurts at any age, not just for children.
As adults, and as children, we are allowed to choose our friendships. Yet reality reminds us that friendships and relationships change, and people do grow apart. Sometimes the chemistry changes, sometimes the setting changes, but whatever it is, and while change is never a bad thing, the loss can still hurt.
Kindness does not require us to remain close to everyone, but true kindness is the blueprint for how we should treat all people, regardless of status, title, or dynamic. There is a difference between creating healthy distance and making another person feel excluded, and that distinction matters even more when we are parents. As a mom pal told me, “Part of the reason why I avoid mom socials is the underlying tone of judgment or mean-girl mentality that permeates within some women.”
We must remember that our kids are paying attention to far more than the lessons we teach them. They are watching how we behave at school events and how we treat other adults (specifically other moms). They see who we acknowledge and who we ignore. They see how we treat others directly and indirectly. They hear our words when we think they are not listening, and they notice who we invite to birthday parties and household socials. In that same breath, kids notice who we do not invite and who was excluded. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for.
We can tell our children repeatedly to be kind, yet what they see from us will always carry more weight than our words. That old saying our parents told us is true: “Actions speak louder than words.”
As parents and as adults, we need to be more willing to acknowledge adult loneliness and exclusion, and how we can be a lot nicer not only to our already close friends, but to those beyond our inner circle. Being left out or facing the loss of a friendship brings grief, no matter one’s age. Feeling hurt by those experiences does not make one sensitive, it means we are human, and humans naturally crave thoughtful connections and bonds.
None of this means we must invite everyone everywhere or maintain friendships that no longer feel in sync. We can have boundaries and move on from relationships and friendships, but we should do so without cruelty. That is the difference. A simple hello costs extraordinarily little, as does a smile. Acknowledging another person does not require friendship, it only requires a warm heart with compassion. When we talk about bullying and kindness among children, adults need to look inward too, not with guilt or judgment, but with awareness of what we are modeling.
Kids learn kindness by watching our behavior and actions, and sometimes the best lesson we can give them is simply showing them what being a decent human being looks like, especially toward people we no longer connect with, for that is the test of true kindness.
“There are obvious signs when someone is lonely, when someone needs a friend, or when someone is reaching out. You can choose to ignore them, or you can choose kindness.” —Caitlin Bell
📸: Chris Murray